Category: Dumbassedness

"Geysers of Old Faithful: Nostrils of Satan"

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Today is day of 1 of being a vegetarian. Last week’s Farewell To Meat tour was a tasty, if overindulgent, last hurrah. Anyway, we’ll see how long I last sans meat.

.:.

My first run in two weeks (during which I ate huge amounts of bad food): un peu difficile. I was out of shape, my shoulder hurt ’cause I slept on it funny and my right eye’s been watering all day. And I had to pee. It was one of those runs you just cut off at 1.5 miles ’cause you know you’re gonna pull something or take a header onto the console.

.:.

WFMU’s top ten Orwellian moments of 2006. Scary.

.:.

Also scary (if true) is this news release from Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility:

“Grand Canyon National Park is not permitted to give an official estimate of the geologic age of its principal feature, due to pressure from Bush administration appointees.”

[Hat tip: Dino]

[tags]vegetarianism, treadmill, orwellian moments, peer, grand canyon[/tags]

Have I mentioned how much I hate the word "monetize"?

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This NY Times story entitled Craiglist Meets The Capitalists kind of describes how my life feels.

“Jim Buckmaster, the chief executive of Craigslist, caused lots of head-scratching Thursday as he tried to explain to a bunch of Wall Street types why his company is not interested in “monetizing” his ridiculously popular Web operation. Appearing at the UBS global media conference in New York, Mr. Buckmaster took questions from the bemused audience, which apparently could not get its collective mind around the notion that Craigslist exists to help Web users find jobs, cars, apartments and dates – and not so much to make money.”

I’m a socialist, am pro-Kyoto and have no problem paying as much tax as I do, yet I work for a bank, am halfway to an MBA and have a copy of The Wealth Of Nations on my bookshelf. I understand the profit motive, but I certainly think it has limits. I’d like to think I’m the middle ground that the bankers in this story can’t understand. Actually, I live in constant fear that I’ll end up like them.
[via Yes But No But Yes]

.:.

Lindsay Lohan claims she’s been going to AA meetings for a year in the same breath that she says she hasn’t had a drink in a week. Apparently Lindsay learned math at a Verizon training seminar.

OK, I apologize…I’ve been posting about overbaked harpies like Lohan and Paris Hilton too much lately. I’m falling for their ploy to stay in the public eye. Never again.*

* the author reserves the right to talk about them if they do something quantum-physics-level retarded.
[tags]craiglist, ny times, lindsay lohan[/tags]

Fare thee well, skanktron

Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

My brother Tim and my friend GB — math geeks both — will love this story: people who can’t do math are in charge of Verizon’s billing department (and managing their call centre, it seems).

Verizon: What do you mean .002 dollars?
Client: [big sigh] Okay, I think I have to do this again. Do you recognize that there’s a difference between one dollar and one cent?
Verizon: Definitely.
Client: Do you recognize there’s a difference between half a dollar and half a cent?
Verizon: Definitely
Client: Then, do you therefore recognize there’s a difference between .002 dollars and .002 cents
Verizon: No.
Client: No?

Awesome.

.:.

I can’t wait to see Rona Ambrose debate pollution with these 700 scientists.

.:.

Nicole Richie has been arrested for driving drunk. I think this is unfair; people who only weigh 85 pounds can’t be blamed for their intoxication as they would obviously get drunk smelling a single lite beer from across the room. Not to mention the weed & vicodin she took before driving, the poor dear.

.:.

Speaking of vapid dormice, this Salon article about Paris Hilton is about 12 kinds of funny. When the article starts off,

“For years we’ve been paralyzed in the tractor beam of her brainless celebrity. Now it’s time to kiss the creepy dollie goodbye.”

…you just know it’s gonna be good.

[tags]verizon, math, scientists, pollution, nicole richie, paris hilton[/tags]

I would NOT want to mess with a guy named Mathias Heck

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In general, I think the death penalty’s a bad idea. I believe there are a hundred reasons not to have it. As near as I can tell, there are two common arguments for it:

  • the Bible quote “an eye for an eye” makes it ok;
  • the hope that the death penalty will act as a deterrent, especially to people committing crimes in a similar fashion.

The first argument can be dismissed easily; there are several biblical quotes that would counter the argument, and in any case, the bible doesn’t dictate the law.

The second argument could have merit; I don’t have stats on hand to support or refute it, and am too lazy to look for any. But it passes an initial sniff test, so I’ll bite for the sake of this post.

But how does it apply to this woman who killed her baby by — and I’m not making this up — microwaving it to death? The prosecutor is seeking the death penalty, presumably to remind all those people out there thinking about microwaving their babies to death that it is, in fact, a crime. Look, if you’re so freaking far gone that it seems like a good idea to nuke your infant, do you really think someone’s going to snap out of it just as their finger hovers over the ‘High’ button when they remember the fate of crazy old China Arnold who got the needle as reported in the Plain Dealer last year? I’m guessing not.

Argh.

[tags]death penalty, china arnold[/tags]

#1 with a c-section scar

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Britney Spears is once again the top Yahoo search. Turns out all you have to do to be #1 is marry a twat, dump him and then flash your goods to the public whilst driving around town with the world’s biggest whore*.

Hard to believe, but Federline might actually be thinking, “Whew…glad I got off of that train wreck…”

*I mean the whore thing mainly in terms of being a publicity whore. Mainly.

[tags]britney spears, parasite hilton, talentless hoochies[/tags]

In the bleak midwinter

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The rumours about a Toronto NFL team have started up again. I don’t really care; I have little use for football. However, it would end this city’s slightly creepy obsession with the Buffalo Bills. It’s like an aunt having a crush on her ugly niece’s boyfriend.

Anyway, if Toronto ultimately gets a team it would make them the 11th city in North America to have one team in each of the four major sports leagues. By my reckoning the others are Atlanta, Boston (if you consider the Patriots a Boston team), Chicago, Dallas, Detroit, Miami, Minnesota, New York, Philadelphia and Washington.

.:.

I’m really nervous when I pick up copies of Now Magazine these days. They quite often have American Apparel ads on the back cover, which sometimes border on the profane. Today it was a page filled with this picture. Awwwwwwwkward.

.:.

We got our first xmas card in the mail today.

It’s not even December yet, people.

Seriously, this whole holiday season thing is getting out of hand. The decorations went up November 1st. TV commercials, sales and outdoor trees followed soon after. At this point, 1/6 of the year is now christmas season.

[tags]toronto nfl team, now magazine, american apparel, christmas overkill[/tags]

Suck it up and buy a vacuum

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Most Canadians prefer fake christmas trees to real ones. Therefore, most Canadians are nimrods. The most annoying thing about artificial tree makers? They now insist on calling their products “everlasting” instead.

.:.

I just got some dark chocolate in the mail, courtesy of Stanzi. Nothin’ beats mail chocolate.

.:.

Also courtesy of Stanzi (sort of) we got our first shipment from Green Earth Organics today. After she posted a picture of their produce on her blog we signed up…not that I have any particular desire for organic food, but because I have to admit to myself that I’ll be much more likely to eat good produce if it’s brought to my door than if I’m left to buy it. We’re not sold on the quality yet though; the greens seemed pretty slimy. Maybe it’s a one-time thing, or maybe it’s just what you live with when you buy organic. We’ll give it a few weeks and, if it doesn’t get better, figure out a plan B.

.:.

Canadiens goaltender Cristobal Huet has the best SV% and GAA in the NHL, but he was left off the all-star ballot. Surely that must’ve stung a bit, but what does he do? He gets a shutout in his next start. Suck it, NHL.

.:.

The tories are finally putting the same-sex marriage debate back in the house. Good. Let’s get it over with and move on already.

[tags]dark chocolate, green earth organics, cristobal huet, canadiens, same-sex marriage debate, fake christmas trees[/tags]

"Two long-bearded guys spreading ideas that make people lose their faith"

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As much as I dislike the practice of marketing in general, I firmly believe that there is a special, absurdist place in hell for brand managers.

.:.

Speaking of hell, I think it’s inside my throat. Never have I been so tempted to claw out my own windpipe.

OK, maybe I have once before.

.:.

Kansas has one thing going for it: it’s more rational than Turkey.

“The root of the terrorism that plagues our planet is not any of the divine religions, but atheism, and the expression of atheism in our times (is) Darwinism and materialism.”

Riiiiiiiiiight.

[tags]marketing, brand, cough & cold, turkey, muslim creationism[/tags]

Reasonable accommodation

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The Toronto Star asks the following question:

What to do if you’re a [Montreal] policewoman trying to take a statement from a Hasidic Jew who refuses to look at you, never mind answer questions?

Well, how about you treat them like anyone else who refuses to look at you or answer questions? Would it be acceptable for a citizen to ignore a black cop or refuse to answer his questions so long as the citizen is a avowed racist? Of course not. So why is discrimination somehow more palatable when it comes dressed as religion?

I suppose we could always ask gay people.

[tags]montreal, hasidic jews, women, police[/tags]