Category: Dumbassedness

An hour early

Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

I stopped at A Taste Above on the way home tonight. It’s a take-away ready-to-go meal place just up the street. Pricey, but good food and I felt like some quick pasta for dinner. I got there around 6:15…closed. Wha? You’re catering to the busy after-work crowd and you close at 6 PM? Brilliant. Dear A Taste Above: a little advice…send whoever’s in charge of your company on an introductory business course. You’re welcome.

.:.

Esquire breaks down Jerry Bruckheimer’s Laws of Science. Example:

The Law of Inverse Emotional Importance

Oftentimes an event may appear significant when in reality it’s not. When confused, remember this simple rule: The significance of any event is inversely related to the speed of its motion.

Proof: Pearl Harbor, about the devastating attack that pushed the U.S. into World War II, features more slow motion than Samba Night at the hospice center.

.:.

Must…finish…assignment. But don’t…want…to.

Inside/friend voice says: suck it up, princess. It’s due Friday, and after that I’ve got a couple of weeks off before going away on course again. It’s just that everything else seems to be SO much more enjoyable right now…watching hockey, thinking about big problems (opportunities?) at work, spending time with Nellie, going to movies, drinking beer, even running at 6AM…I’m loving all of it right now. The last thing I want to do is more school work.

Good thing my wife is a) supportive of me disappearing into a book for several hours a night, and b) fond of television.

[tags]a taste above, esquire, jerry bruckheimer[/tags]

Who did this poll, Band of Horses?

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This news release presents a conundrum:

Toronto, ON – A new Ipsos Reid poll conducted on behalf of CanWest News Service and Global Television finds that while two thirds (66%) of Canadians indicate that they believe in angels and half (48%) of the nation says they believe in spirits and ghosts. One in 10 (10%) Canadians believe that there is a spirit or ghost actually living in their house or residence. To put it in perspective, that’s 2.5 million Canadians who believe that when something goes bump in the night it’s more than the mice from Ratatouille.

So either a major pollster is wrong (not much of a shock) or my nation contains a great number of gullible ninnies…not exactly news either, but the magnitude is troubling. I just can’t decide which is more believable…and less palatable.

[via the Globe and Mail]

[tags]ipsos reid, poll, angels, ghosts[/tags]

"[B]ottled water is not a sin, but it sure is a choice"

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Bottled water has always been wasteful and indulgent, but now it’s just getting ridiculous. Via Newsweek:

Holy Drinking Water, produced by a California-based company called Wayne Enterprises, is blessed in the warehouse by an Anglican or Roman Catholic priest (after a thorough background check). Like a crucifix or a rosary, a bottle of Holy Drinking Water is a daily reminder to be kind to others, says Brian Germann, Wayne’s CEO. Another company makes Liquid OM, superpurified bottled water containing vibrations that promote a positive outlook. Invented by Kenny Mazursky, a sound therapist in Chicago, the water purportedly possesses an energy field that Mazursky makes by striking a giant gong and Tibetan bowls in its vicinity. He says the good energy can be felt not just after you drink the water but before, when you’re holding the bottle.

I’d call that truly insidious marketing, but I suppose that’s redundant. At least the nuns have their heads screwed on straight:

The Franciscan Sisters, together with a community of Benedictine nuns nearby, have launched a letter-writing campaign against the largest producers of bottled water and they’ve designed coasters to encourage people to drink glasses, not bottles, of water from the tap.

Via Brijit.com, once again.

[tags]bottled water, holy drinking water, liquid om, franciscan sisters[/tags]

I'm a fine, fine fellow

Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

In the summer I was struck by how much greener Toronto looked from our balcony than it does at street level. Now, with the leaves on vacation and the snow taking up residence, it just looks gray.

.:.

It’s not official yet — the paperwork still has to go through — but I heard back from our adviser today: we passed our final project. That effectively means that I am now a fellow of the Institute of Canadian Bankers. I’m now in the home stretch of finishing the MBA: 256 days left!

.:.

Poor Nellie’s not feeling well today. We had dinner at Fieramosca last night and were plied with a little too much Limoncello. It was supposed to be a quick meal, out by 8:30, but there’s really no such thing with us anymore. We kind of lost track of time somewhere around the sixth shot.

.:.

News from last week: Toronto councillor Giorgio Mammoliti asked for the army to be brought in. Not because of some snowdrifts, mind you. No, councillor Mammoliti wants the army to come in and crack down on gang violence.

Having had a few days to consider and weigh the councillor’s words, I have arrived at this conclusion: Giorgio Mammoliti is batshit crazy.

I’m all for curbing gang violence, councillor. I suggest you lobby for more police funding, or a special anti-gang task force. Perhaps you could move to ban handguns in the city, or increase funding to social programs that keep kids out of gangs. Any of those seem fairly reasonable, if not politically expedient. Maybe it’s my quaint inclination toward freedom, but I don’t think military occupation of a civilian area is something a democratically-elected politician should suggest.

Sigh…every time someone from this city mentions the army I just know the rest of the country’s going to make fun of us for the next three years.

[tags]toronto the gray, institute of canadian bankers, fieramosca, limoncello, giorgio mammoliti, gang violence[/tags]

Aren't book-banning parents becoming tired of being clichés?

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Dear Halton Catholic school board: why would you think that the best example to set for your children would be one of ignorance, censorship and religious intolerance?

Halton’s Catholic board has pulled The Golden Compass fantasy book – soon to be a Hollywood blockbuster starring Nicole Kidman – off school library shelves because of a complaint.

“(The complaint) came out of interviews that [author] Philip Pullman had done, where he stated that he is an atheist and that he supports that,” said Scott Millard, the board’s manager of library services.

I say it’ll be back on shelves in less than a week. Takers?

[tags]halton catholic school board, book banning, golden compass[/tags]

God help him if he'd brought I Married A Communist

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In reaction to this story in The Independent…

In a world where terrorists can strike anytime, anywhere, eternal vigilance is a must. This is why we must applaud the initiative of a Cairns, Australia, bouncer who, according to this story in The Independent, kicked a man out of a pub for reading Richard Flanagan’s novel The Unknown Terrorist. (The novel, by the way, is about a woman who is wrongly identified as a terrorist.)

…the Quill & Quire looks for other books that bouncers should be on the lookout for. Funny.

[tags]quill and quire, richard flanagan, unknown terrorist[/tags]

To be fair, everything looks like twaddle under an electron microscope

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I’ve been too busy to blog (or think) much lately, so no sparkling insight or stunning revelations from me right now. Sorry.

.:.

I am shocked — shocked and appalled — that those Q-Ray bracelets I’ve been seeing in late-night infomercials for years are completely worthless. Wendy Mesley, why do you hate America?

.:.

One lesser-known blog I like to read is Laura Bogomolny’s. She’s a former writer at Canadian Business magazine who’s now doing her MBA at Columbia, and occasionally writes about her classes, the program, life in New York, etc. Today she wrote about a negotiation exercise she did side-by-side with law students:

When the law students were asked if it looked like fun to be the business person in the negotiation, over half of the law students raised their hands. When the business school students were asked if it looked like fun to be the lawyer, not a single hand went up.

OK, I’m not shocked by that one.

.:.

The musical inbox is piling up again. The more recent additions:

  • Annuals . Be He Me
  • Jealous Girlfriends . Comfortably, Uncomfortable
  • Puscifer . V Is For Vagina
  • Robert Plant & Alison Krauss . Raising Sand
  • Sigur Ros . Hvarf-Heim
  • Sigur Ros . Svarf
  • Various Artists (Stereogum) . Drive XV
  • Weakerthans . Reunion Tour
  • Yeasayer . All Hour Cymbals

I need to find a way to listen to this stuff. My job doesn’t really allow me time to listen to music at my desk anymore.

[tags]q-ray, cbc, wendy mesley, laura bogomolny, columbia university, mba, jealous girlfriends, puscifer, sigur ros, weakerthans, naysayer[/tags]

I'm not having it either

Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

My brother sent me this article from a Manchester newspaper yesterday and I had to post it. I like to share stories that make me weep for humanity.

A lottery scratchcard has been withdrawn from sale by [national lottery operator] Camelot – because players couldn’t understand it. To qualify for a prize, users had to scratch away a window to reveal a temperature lower than the figure displayed on each card. As the game had a winter theme, the temperature was usually below freezing.

But the concept of comparing negative numbers proved too difficult for some Camelot received dozens of complaints on the first day from players who could not understand how, for example, -5 is higher than -6.

I can see why that could be complicated. Witness the lament from this poor confused soul:

“I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher – not lower – than -8 but I’m not having it.”

Onward, vacuous soldier. Rage against that machine.

.:.

Tonight I was reminded of the reason (well…one reason) why I love my wife so much. I got home, expecting her to be there, but she hadn’t yet returned from the grocery store. She came home a few minutes later, crying. On her way home she’d found an injured pigeon on the street. She stopped to take care of it, got it out of harm’s way and into a box, called animal rescue and (along with a stranger) waited with it. She got home, dropped her bags and went out to the balcony to watch for the rescue van to arrive, guiding them to the box on her cell phone.

The pigeon might not make it, but she stopped and cared for it when no one else would. Pretty hard to not love her for that.

[tags]cool cash scratchcard, camelot, why i love my wife[/tags]

Hah bumhug!

Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

It’s a grey, grey day. I’m wondering now whether having such a clear and panoramic view of the world outside is going to adversely affect my mood on days like this? I may be a scrooge for realsies by Christmas.

.:.

Last night’s Canadiens game was a beaut. Watched it on fast forward last night after Nellie went to bed. Montreal scoring 13 goals in two games? That’s five games’ worth at their usual scoring rate. Anyway, they’re back at it tonight against Pittsburgh. I shall watch it while I blast away at this paper (which is progressing quite nicely, thank you very much).

.:.

Still with hockey, if you want to live, do not play against the Philadelphia Flyers. For the third time this year a Flyer has nearly killed someone.

Boston Bruins centre Patrice Bergeron was taken off the ice on a stretcher Saturday after a scary hit from behind by Philadelphia Flyers defenceman Randy Jones.

Bergeron was chasing after a loose puck in the Flyers zone late in the first period when Jones closed in on him and drove his head into the boards with his forearm.

The 22-year-old crumpled to the ice and lay on his back motionless while the Bruins went after Jones, 26. Medical personnel cut away Bergeron’s jersey and shoulder pads as they worked on him, placing his neck in a brace. They placed him on a board and then onto a stretcher, his legs taped together and his arms folded across his chest. There was little sign of movement. The game was delayed some 15 minutes as he was treated.

I don’t know what you’re coaching down there in Philly, but jeezus…let’s take it easy with the attempted homicide, shall we?

.:.

Here’s a whole bucket of dumb for you:

  • This Florida mother mutilated her daughter’s genitals so that she wouldn’t enjoy sex…and was acquitted of the charges brought against her.
  • FEMA staged a fake news conference about the California wildfires. The White House needs to form a disaster management firm to fix all the stupid things FEMA does. I suggest the name metaFEMA.
  • Britney Spears’ mother is writing a book about motherhood. It’d better be called, “I’m sorry y’all, I blew that one.”

.:.

OK, back to work.

[tags]toronto weather, canadiens, hurricanes, penguins, philadelphia flyers, patrice bergeron, florida mother genitals, fema news conference, britney spears[/tags]

"Giuseppe!"

Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

That was how my barber answered the phone today, as if he were four years old and his best friend had just run into his yard. He might just be the happiest guy I know. Here’s the typical conversation when I sit down in the chair:

Ralph: “So, how’s it going?”

Dan: “Pretty good, Ralph. How’re you doing?”

Ralph: “Ay, life is beautiful, my friend. As long as we’re here and we’re healthy, what else can you ask? #3 on top and #2 on the sides, right?”

Whether it’s Ralph or his buddy Nick who cuts my hair, I’ve never left there without a smile on my face. It’s a big reason I keep going back, really. It’s not like it takes a lot of hard-to-find expertise to cut my hair.

.:.

It’s a sad state of affairs when gay Dumbledore and a fainting Marie Osmond occupy the top of the news pile. One gets the feeling that if the Californian wildfires weren’t so ferocious we’d be discussing proper dancing hydration or wizard-cruising. For fuck’s sake, people, one of them’s fictional and the other might as well be.

.:.

The Dooney’s Cafe website has a great review of Naomi Klein’s new book The Shock Doctrine. I’m not making much headway on the book; I keep getting distracted by MBAishness.

[tags]barbers, dumbledore, marie osmond, california wildfires, naomi klein, the shock doctrine, dooney’s[/tags]