Category: Humour

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Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

A review of Meet The Spartans in Slate contains what may be the best line of the year so far:

This was the worst movie I’ve ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a “movie” and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film. [Directors] Friedberg and Seltzer do not practice the same craft as P.T. Anderson, David Cronenberg, Michael Bay, Kevin Costner, the Zucker Brothers, the Wayans Brothers, Uwe Boll, any dad who takes shaky home movies on a camping trip, or a bear who turns on a video camera by accident while trying to eat it.

.:.

Well, this is certainly an Afghanistan worth fighting for:

Last week, a court in Balkh province sentenced Perwiz Kambakhsh, 23, to death for distributing articles downloaded from the Internet that were said to question the Koran and the role of women in Islam.

[via Torontoist]

.:.

Every time we come here for a course a few of us have a tradition on Thursday. Because we can’t bear the thought of another meal here, we order pizza, drink a few beers and relax a bit before heading off to study for tomorrow’s exam. As such the evening has become known as Pizza Thursday.

Pizza Thursday will commence a few hours from now, and we’ll be about 86% of the way through our week*. However, as we sit and enjoy our pie we’ll also just happen to be about 86% of the way through the entire program. Usually Pizza Thursday signals the turning of the final corner of each week we spend here; tonight, though, it signals the rounding of the final corner of the entire four years. After tomorrow morning’s exam we really will be in the home stretch…provided we don’t stumble in that final turn.

Wish me luck.

*I have a javascript that tells me these numbers, obviously, lest you think I’m sitting down and calculating it each time I post something. That’d be silly.

[tags]meet the spartans, afghanistan, mba[/tags]

"I want no part of a world that refuses to congratulate itself."

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Exciting news: I’m going to go for a run tomorrow. It’s the first time since my killer cold last week that I’ve felt up to it (and didn’t have an early meeting to get to). Sad that the idea of a 3 mile run is attractive to me at this point.

.:.

While I’ve quite enjoyed the television writer’s strike — network is for shit anyway — I had to laugh at Conan O’Brien’s strike diary.

With little to sustain me, I am forced to subsist entirely on Reality Television. I gorge myself on marathons of The Real Housewives of Orange County and Flavor of Love, then collapse in a wretched heap. If this is living, I welcome death.

It’s short. Go read.

.:.

I hear a lot of complaints about Starbucks & music…exclusive sales agreements and such. This week, as I walked by the Starbucks every day on my walk to work (actually I walk by three, but there’s one I pay particular attention to) I heard Sia, James Brown and Radiohead. I don’t recall Monday, so either I wasn’t paying attention or it was bad/generic enough not to grab me. In any case, if a Starbucks wants to push decent music to coffee junkies, I’m not going to criticize them. Maybe it’ll counter the Wal-Mart influence.

Speaking of music…what in the sweaty hell happened to Bob Mould? I have no problem if someone mellows out in their old age, I don’t. That’s not my problem. My problem is that the music is (to steal a line from High Fidelity) generic pappy crap, and the man’s used more voice modulation  on his last few albums than Cher. This morning “Jesus Cradle” from the Sugar album Beaster came up on my Zen, and I was momentarily stunned by how good it was. Compared to what I’m listening to right now — a leaked copy of Mould’s latest, District Line — it’s just tragic. Genre differences or not, they’re still worlds apart.

.:.

My brother sent me this link yesterday in an email titled “There goes your day.” He wasn’t lying.

[tags]conan o’brien, starbucks, bob mould, cher, tony-b[/tags]

She rolled her Rs…her beautiful Rs.

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I just got off the elevator with a mother and her little girl. The girl saw the elevator button marked “R” (which opened or closed the rear doors — we were in the larger freight elevator) and started playing the word game: “Ar is for…rabbit!” The mother, although appearing incredibly tired, encouraged her to keep going.

Little girl: “Ar is for…ice cream.”

Mother: “No, honey, I is for ice cream.”

Dan [inside voice, thankfully]: “Actually, ‘Ar’ could be for ‘Arse cream’, which technically is correct and, let’s be honest, much funnier.”

Good thing I’m an introvert and don’t talk to people, otherwise I might’ve thought that was funny enough to share and found myself being beaten with a diaper bag.

[tags]elevator, ice cream[/tags]

"Nights when hairs would stick to the blood"

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This story by David Sedaris about a transatlantic flight is one of the funniest things I’ve read in weeks. Touching, too, but mainly funny.

The best thing about this particular airline is that after dinner they offer you a sundae. The vanilla ice cream is in the bowl already, but you can choose from any number of toppings. I order the caramel and chopped nuts and the flight attendant spoons them on before my eyes. “Is that enough sauce, Mr. Sedaris?” she’ll ask, and “Are you sure you don’t want whipped cream?” It would be years before I worked up the courage to ask for seconds, and, when I finally did, I felt like such a dope. “Do you think, um . . . I mean, is it possible to have another one of those?”

“Well, of course it is, Mr. Sedaris. Have a third, if you like!”

That’s Business Elite for you. Spend eight thousand dollars on a ticket and, if you want an extra thirteen cents’ worth of ice cream, all you have to do is ask. It’s like buying a golf cart and having a few tees thrown in, but it still works. “Golly,” I say. “Thanks!”

Found at Brijit.

[tags]david sedaris, brijit, new yorker[/tags]

Can I get a copy of that?

Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

Here’s how my life is gonna go for the next couple of days. Tonight I have to work on my finance assignment. Tomorrow I have to go to work, of course. Tomorrow evening we’re having dinner at Canoe with CBGB; Saturday I’ll watch the PVR’d hockey game and then we have to run a pile of errands and pick up our new chairs. Saturday evening we have people coming over before we head out to a holiday party. Sunday will be spent recovering, watching another PVR’d hockey game and finishing — hopefully — the finance assignment. It is at that point that I will collapse onto the couch, read the newspaper and give the middle finger to the MBA for two weeks while I focus on Christmas shopping.

Weird to have the next 72 hours of my life planned out like that. Kind of depressing too.

.:.

Today’s episode of What The Duck distills the troubling conundrum of “entertainment news” down to a three-panel comic.

.:.

I will be going to this:

Whipper Snapper Gallery recently announced an exhibition of Toronto’s top four photo bloggers for the month of December. It’s called The Too-Explicit Injustice of Kind Population! and it runs from the 6th to the 29th. The exhibition title is an anagram of the different website names. Don’t worry… I don’t get it either!

More info.

[tags]canoe, what the duck, whipper snapper gallery, toronto photobloggers[/tags]

I wonder how it would handle DeSagana Diop?

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Closed captions are funny. Sometimes when I’m studying I mute the TV, and the captions come on automatically. A minute ago I saw a basketball highlight, Tony Parker passing the ball to Manu Ginobli under the net for a layup. However, the speech-to-text software (or maybe it’s still humans?) must’ve been confused by the Argentinian name ’cause the caption read “Parker to a monitor nobly.” Apparently Philip K. Dick was calling the game tonight.

.:.

Dylan Reid at Spacing Magazine published what must surely be the definitive guide to the rules governing pedestrians crossing mid-block in Toronto. I specifically avoided using the term “jaywalking” as it suggests an infraction and, as Mr. Reid points out, it’s simply not illegal to walk across the street in Toronto.

It is legal for pedestrians to cross the street mid-block anywhere in Toronto as long as:

a) they are not adjacent to a marked pedestrian crossing, and

b) they yield to traffic.

This legal situation is a combination of Ontario law, through the Highway Traffic Act, and City of Toronto by-laws.

I like this. I cross the street away from crosswalks all the time, and I occasionally even do it right in front of a police car, but I assume I’d never gotten a ticket because the police were too busy with more important matters. Turns out I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not even very dangerous; I’m very careful about crossing mid-block, and any Toronto pedestrian knows that drivers in this city treat crosswalks as loose recommendations, so it’s not like crossing there offers safety.

.:.

Today Nellie did something that made my very happy. She booked the linchpin in our spring trip: two nights at Lake O’Hara Lodge, high up in the mountains of Yoho National Park. We hiked there last year (description | pictures), but we had to take a bus up the mountain at 10 and down at 4. This way we can get a full two or three days of hiking up there. Plus, just look at the view!! Whatever else comes of the trip I’m happy. I’d fly to Calgary just for that.

By the way, it might seem like we’re booking obsessively early (we’re not going until late June) but this place fills up fast. They started taking reservations yesterday and by today they were nearly sold out for all of next season.

[tags]closed captioning, manu ginobli, jaywalking in toronto, crossing midblock, spacing magazine, lake o’hara, yoho national park[/tags]

It's that last 0.28% that'll kill you

Dan DickinsonLeave a comment

Last night’s loss by the Canadiens almost killed me. Watching Montreal completely outplay Florida for 58 minutes and then give up the tying goal with 10 seconds left, finally losing the game on the last shot of the shootout…it was almost too much to bear.

After the game Alex Kovalev couldn’t hide his displeasure with coach Guy Carbonneau, re-igniting rumours of Kovalev’s imminent trade to Calgary. Keep it up, Kovalev, sez I.

.:.

Key strategic takeaways from today:

There will be a quiz next month.

[tags]canadiens, esquire magazine, iran, darth vader harmonica, matador parking lot, stephen colbert[/tags]