"Lines, wrinkles and coarse, leathery skin"

A couple of articles found in the Maclean’s news feed that fill me with disbelief and a teensy bit of dread. For our planet.

First, there’s “Sunbed Use To Rise In Recession” (BBC):

A fifth of regular sunbed users are planning to increase usage because they cannot afford a holiday abroad owing to the recession, a survey suggests.

The poll for Cancer Research UK found 34% of more than 2,000 people were less likely to travel somewhere sunny.

The charity warned that using a sunbed once a month or more could increase skin cancer risk by more than half, and recommended applying fake tan.

I cannot afford to go on vacation, so I shall stay home and irradiate myself instead. Good choice. And then there’s “Who You Gonna Call?” (Montreal Gazette):

The economy is in tatters. Your portfolio is down. Your job is in peril and you’re wondering if you should launch a business. Who are you gonna call? Your financial advisor? An accountant?

If you’re anything like a growing number of recession-anxious Canadians, you may want to call an intuitive seer, an astrologer, a palmist or a numerologist. Some members of this alternative community say their business has picked up as a result of the tough economy. They say they’re consulting to people who want to know everything from whether the stars are correctly aligned for a new business venture to whether to jump in or out of the stock market.

It might also help to know that this, too, shall pass. Pluto’s passage through Capricorn will continue until 2023 so there’ll be more transformation to come, says Edward. “For most of my clients in business, I see that this year will be a little rough but they’ll be better off next year in 2010,” she said.

Alert the Bank of Canada. Call Ben Bernanke. It’s time to raise interest rates again. Pluto’s about to pass through fucking Capricorn.

That settles it. I’m locating the city with the lowest average IQ and opening a tanning salon where your fortune is read to you inside the booth. I shall be rich within minutes.

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